One Foot In The Grave was a British sit-com that ran from 1990 to 2001. It followed the life of a retiree called Victor Meldrew (played by Richard Wilson), a curmudgeonly old man who spent much of his life arguing with his neighbours and being generally cantankerous.
I gather Richard Wilson is a fairly amiable man in real life. I’m quite a bit younger than Mr Wilson and his Victor Meldrew Character, but I’m every bit as curmudgeonly and cantankerous.
So here goes.
Bad Behaviour
When did people forget manners, consideration and how to behave when they visit gardens?
To have the opportunity to visit a garden and spend time among the flowers is an honour and a privilege, yet gardens have become little more than places to exercise unruly children.
What an honour it is to be in the company of beauty
It’s reaching the point when it’s a bit of a novelty to see children on the paths and not kicking the living proverbials out of the plants. The seems to be a pervasive attitude among parents, and therefore among children too, that plants are only plants and don’t matter.
I visited quite a few gardens last year. You could say that the year got off to a bad start when I was bitten by a dog trying to defend my lunch at Westonbirt Arboretum. “He’s only playing” came the pathetic excuse from its owners as they wandered past without any sort of care. I had a thick coat and jumper on and still got teeth marks on my wrist.
My visit to Westonbirt wasn’t entirely pleasant, and I haven’t been back since
Children don’t bite, generally, but I’ve noticed that gardens have been changing in nature and feel. They’re no longer places for adults but have instead become glorified play parks. Kids are encouraged to run around and make as much noise as possible.
That’s great for the kids and their immediate families, but what about the rest of us?
Where Are The Gardeners?
TripAdvisor is a blessing and a curse.
It’s not unusual for gardeners to be told not to intervene now, lest the garden get slated on TripAdvisor or on social media. Bad reviews really can harm the visitor numbers, and gate revenues in turn pay staff.
Plants are a key, and often fragile, part of a garden
I’d like to say it’s just unruly kids, but some of the stories I’ve heard from gardens in recent years have been pretty terrible. It’s not unknown to see adults picking flowers or breaking bits off plants, not just children. A good friend of mine had to remove four adults out of a garden pond once. They were using it like a cold water hot-tub, and they only really took notice of the instruction to get out of the pool when they were told there was a chemical added to the water. There wasn’t, but they didn’t know that.
Gardens like this are not playgrounds
Gardeners at some of these big gardens are caught between increasingly disrespectful and unruly visitors on one side, and visitor engagement teams on the other. From what I’ve been hearing, from reliable sources I will add, is that management at organisation level is pushing for more and more visitors at any cost.
I understand why this is – the world is getting expensive – but it’s going to come at a cost as gardens lose loyal visitors seeking peace and quiet.
Seeking Peace
I for one am looking for peaceful gardens to visit this year.
One on my list is Sculpture By The Lakes in Dorset, a garden known for its art, collection of fine trees, and its policy of no admittance to anyone under the age of 14. A controversial policy maybe, but the owners specifically want to create a peaceful atmosphere.
No under 14s please
Other gardens remain peaceful by just being a bit obscure to be popular. I must say that I’ve reached the point when I find sanctuary in these quieter gardens. I don’t visit gardens to be entertained, and consequently find the sense of peace that I’m looking for in gardens that, it, could be argued, offer very little in terms of visitor amenities.
As big gardens chase a new status as garden theme parks I would go as far as to suggest that smaller gardens might market themselves as quiet gardens. Maybe age limits might be necessary, maybe not.
But an understanding that not every garden visitor is looking for the playground experience could prove lucrative for smaller gardens.
Meanwhile I guess that I must always take my ear buds with me to larger gardens. An audiobook will never be as pleasant as the sound of singing birds, but it’s better than the alternative.
I should think the problem is not the children and dogs so much as it is the adults who should be supervising. Family visits are essential to the financial picture of so many gardens, but they do present many problems, as you mentioned. I applaud the gardens that are able to provide special hours & activities for young families, and I don’t mind the playgrounds, which when done well can add a joyful element. If we want to encourage the development of a new generation of passionate gardeners, we need to get more children into public gardens. I do see your point as well. Gardens that include children might also be encouraged to have adults only hours, as well.
I think there’s a need to accept that different people with different needs might very well want to enjoy the same space. The question is how to make that work.
Similar issues arose even at US breweries that serve food. Disruptive kids unsupervised by parents.
But we don’t expect peace and quiet in breweries, right? Gardens are — or should be — quiet spaces of beauty, perfect for reflection.
They’re just as bad if not worse, in most supermarkets; they love those long aisles & use them as foot race courses.
The young parents are useless, imho, part of a bizarre generation raised on, and addicted to, their “devices.” They’re hopeless.
There are times for noise and times for quiet.
I’ve heard stories of noisy children in restaurants; it’s good that there are places for children, but it’s also good to have quiet spaces for adults too.
Dogs off leash in parks and gardens is my undoing.
Yes it’s not good.
There is/was a group called Quiet Gardens which began in the UK I believe.
Silent Space, I believe.
Yes, they’re still going. I was talking to someone involved with the project recently; what use is a silent space within a noisy garden?!
Bravo Ben! Fellow curmudgeon here, what a great word imo.
It’s generational, I believe. Pretty much any parents under 35 are hopeless, useless, disrespectful, LOUD and thoughtless. And distracted. At least in the U. S.
I try to avoid them when out in public places as much as possible although the young parent neighbors in my townhouse complex are lovely and try to be thoughtful.
Thanks for this great rant. And keep on finding and enjoying the Quiet Gardens.
I think every generation has its considerate people but also its inconsiderate ones.
But I do think it’s not unfair for a bit of courtesy in public places.
You’re very kind, Ben.
But I’m guessing you may not be as deluged with inconsiderate young families as some of us are.
I confess that I’m not, but I hear stories from my colleagues and friends who look after gardens and they’re not great.
Bah humbug, Ben. I respectfully disagree with you. It’s so important for kids to be outside, getting their exercise and fresh air and as a mother of two (very well-behaved :)) children, I must say that visiting a great English garden is truly a wonderful family day out with something for everyone. It’s one of my favorite things to do in England. Perhaps because of all of the National Trust properties and gardens dotted about, which are very relaxed and kid friendly, some families assume that all of the gardens are so open and forgiving, which of course they are not. And that’s okay. It’s perfectly acceptable for gardens to set boundaries. Children need to learn to be respectful, follow rules and to value property, plants and trees. Ideally they’ve learned these things at home already, from their parents. But the days of children being “seen and not heard” are thankfully over. Children are members of our community and have a lot to offer. I have encountered a great many rude and inconsiderate adults with whom I’d rather not spend time with, but sometimes you just gotta smile and nod. Don’t let them ruin your good time.
I often wish when I’m taking a winter walk in the forest that I had it all to myself and that I didn’t need to encounter a single passersby, but this is of course unrealistic. As much as I’d love to have it to myself, it’s not mine and I need to share it.
Yes, that’s very true; these places are for everyone.
Best to encourage a culture of respect for all.
I so agree with you.
I share your dismay, Ben. I love my dog, but I would never take her to a public garden. If she bit someone, I would be mortified. My child was raised to be respectful at all times, particularly in public, around other people, and their property. I took him to art shows, blown glass displays, the library, gardens, and all other manner of places with nary a problem. When I became a Cub Scout leader, it was the same way. Children want boundaries. That said, there are several gorgeous gardens in my U.S. town that are open once a year to the public. It is almost unbelievable how many people use this an opportunity to let their children run loose like wild hellions. I have watched children shove each other into garden beds, stray off the path while running, and wreak havoc on these sacred spaces. I have also watched with my own eyes while a mother enouraged a baby to grab blooming plants in my own yard, that could be reached from the street. I agree with other posters who said that we must encourage the wee ones to develop a love of gardens; so you may see me intervening when the little guttersnipes get out of line. If their parents won’t do it, I will!
Good for you, Judith. I guess I don’t understand why this particular generation of young parents allows (encourages?) their little ones to behave like mini-thugs in public
They do act as if these **public gardens** were intended for them and ONLY them.
And we don’t dare say one single word to them or else the defensive parents come at you with contempt and rudeness. Because, you know, they actually **believe their kids are above reproach.** Snort!
Yes, they ARE “sacred spaces,” at least to this Pantheist.
I raised my son in similar fashion, including visiting art museums, from 18 months old to leaving for college. Also classical music concerts from around age 10-11 to same.
I would agree that it’s good to include children in a wide range of places, but very much with the idea that in public we share a responsibility to those around us.
That’s possibly a key thing there; if staff in gardens are told to turn a blind eye to poor behaviour, of children and adults, then how can things change? Are disruptive people intending to be disruptive, or are they not aware that certain things are less than appropriate?
That sort of behaviour would put me off opening a garden to the public!
I am I sometimes volunteer at the JC Roston Arboretum in Raleigh North Carolina,. We also have the North Carolina botanical gardens in Chapel Hill and the Duke Gardens in Durham Plant Delights Nursery and Juniper Level Botanic Garden in Raleigh is also a lovely place.
I have no problem telling people what they are not allowed to do in these gardens. One person one time asked me did I work there? And I said yes she said oh OK it’s hard to imagine they are such disrespectful people in public places. But they are and I think we all have an obligation to educate them.
Agree 100%
Sounds like a great area for Garden visiting.
I’m going to look them up online.
Could something as simple as a sign asking people to respect each other’s enjoyment of a garden be a simple solution? No doubt a ‘visitor engagement manager’ or whatever would argue that such things look hostile to visitors, but I can’t help wondering if it would be something that would make the majority think a bit more about their behaviour.
Right on! Unfortunately, it isn’t just gardens where they turn the children loose. Grocery stores, restaurants, clothing stores, (where the kids hide under the hanging clothes, etc.) If businesses think the current 25-35yr old folks have bad work habits, and demands about their desks, the windows, the times they want to work, etc. just wait until they try to employ the future 25 somethings. But by then robots will probably have taken those jobs!
I wonder though if gardens could play a part in the process of gently reminding people that public spaces are for everyone?
I worked in a museum for 30 years and dealt with some of the same problems – running, touching objects, playing hide and seek, etc. Some parents were oblivious, most at least tried to keep kids from wreaking havoc. I had parents berate me and report me to my supervisor for stopping their child from running into things. Thankfully my supervisor backed me up telling the parent that was my job! I think gardens could take a lesson here. Yes, kids need to be outside but they don’t need to be destructive or obnoxious. I hope you can find gardens to fill your need for quiet contemplation. Good luck.
Very disturbing to read this. I have a feeling that some parents don’t know how to parent; they don’t know how give their children attention when they behave well, never mind when they don’t behave well! They’re overwhelmed by their responsibilities. Of course they’re embarrassed when their ignorance is noticed. I have had such wonderful experiences working with children in the garden but I knew their interest would wander and I would point out what needed to be done. They were paid for their work even though their mother sometimes objected. I enjoyed their company and needed their help.
I once hosted a wedding in my garden for an acquaintance that I admired – so I was at the wedding but didn’t really know many of the guests.
At one point I saw a young kid scrambling through the agaves and cacti in my gravel garden and trampling everything – including some very expensive new plants.
I told the child to stop and the mother suddenly materialized and rudely began defending her child’s behavior and telling me to mind my own business.
I informed her that this was my garden, that it is my business, and that her son’s hands and legs are now full of opuntia glochids and he will be crying soon and for a very long time.
I also shared with her a few other things related to respect and entitlement.
Of course the predictable crisis played itself out and she had to leave to go attend to her child’s wounds.
I was later confronted by someone who wanted to know why I would plant anything in my garden that would be harmful to kids.
So now I don’t host weddings.
(Disclosure – I have kids. I like kids and want them to catch the gardening bug. It’s not about the kids.)
It’s not just the kids who disrupt the peace. How about people who wander around chatting with someone on their phone while on SPEAKER!?