Thrill the beloved gardener in your life this Christmas with these incredibly useful new garden tools. Or, just give them towels and buy one (or all eight) for yourself! 

Insect Alert Comm System for Lawn Mowers: Of course, a lush and diverse garden is a better ecosystem than your lawn. Nevertheless, you have a lawn, and, lo and behold, it is its own weird, little ecosystem teeming with fun insects and other wildlife. Which you indiscriminately massacre every time you mow. For the sensitive and environmentally conscious gardener, this flips the joy of a job well-done into gut-wrenching guilt.

At long last, a solution! The RSB Mower Mounted Insect Alert Comm System is a an easy to assemble device that uses top-secret technology to warn insects of the impending doom of your approaching mower in time for the fittest of them to evade injury and/or death. Sadly, this leaves the very young, the very old, and the very weak to destruction. But, when you realize that you and your mower are now taking on the same environmentally critical role of thinning out feeble animals as the wolves of Yellowstone, you’ll know you’re doing the right thing. 

RSB Environmental International. Mounts in two hours. 131-135 parts. 16 pages of instruction in (passably translated) English. $450.00. No warranty. No refunds.

Home Hypnotism Kit for Gardeners: Easy to learn and use kit that enables gardeners to better enjoy their hobby. Can be used for any of the following and more.

    1. Convince a spouse, life partner, or yourself that all money spent on gardening is a wise investment in the future.
    2. Convince a spouse, life partner, or yourself that the garden does indeed need more plants.
    3. Convince a spouse or life partner who also gardens that all your ideas are the right ones, or, if necessary, convince them to have no further interest in gardening.

RSB PseudoScience Enterprises. $250, while supplies last. Includes string, shiny object, and instruction booklet in English (passably translated from AI). Unintended lingering effects possible, including but not limited to clucking like a chicken, revealing your worst truths at big, important family events, and more.  Satisfaction is not guaranteed.

Cloud Seeding Drone for Homeowners: For times of drought, just for fun, or for ruining your loathsome neighbor’s cookout, this easy to operate drone rattles and buzzes above the clouds and disperses up to 64 ounces of cloud seeding materials in sort of a pattern. A gentle rain or downpour might follow.

RSB Aeronautics Corporation. $699. Cloud seeding materials not included. Batteries not included. Expensive registration, licensing, and advanced pilot training not included. 1-week limited warranty. RSB Aeronautics Corporation is not liable for property damage or loss of life caused by midair collisions or for any people, their livelihoods, or their properties swept away by torrential flooding.

High Tech True Weed Eater: A true “weed” eating weed eater! Eats weeds. Eschews your cherished garden plants. Loaded with sensors, 4 gigs of memory, and advanced AI. Just download ten photos of all your favorite garden plants in every season and this string trimmer will prevent you from ignorantly or inadvertently obliterating your plants. Works for landscapers too! Can also be programmed to throw all rocks, detritus and debris into your loathsome neighbor’s yard. Two-cycle gasoline engine. 1.2HP. 130 dBs.

 RSB TechnoTools Limited. $499. Requires manufacturer’s string only (not included). 43 pounds. RSB TechnoTools is not liable for loss of any cherished garden plants. Parts and service may be difficult during periods of economic uncertainty or during times of peace and prosperity.   

Tchia Pet Vegetable Garden: Sized just right for typical suburban backyards, this Tchia Pet vegetable garden is a productive and delightful addition to any yard! You’ll enjoy a full day and a half of family fun assembling your new Tchia Pet Vegetable Garden. Once assembled, just add water and, wow, healthy, tasty vegetables! Comes in three fun designs. Choose the Smiling Dragon or the Reclining Goddess for a horizontal look, or, for a space-saving, trendy, vertical garden, choose the amazingly lifelike Bigfoot. Enjoy vegetables of unknown varieties growing out of all orifices of these unique works of art. Noone will be able to look away! Your neighbors will love it!

RSB Proprietary Infringements Group. $1,675.  20’W x 35’L x 7’H. Bigfoot version 8’W x 6’L x 14’H. Guaranteed to make indelible memories!

Image generated by AI. Any resemblance to other products of a similar appearance or name is purely coincidental. 

The Always Perfect Garden Cyber Goggles: These day or night vision goggles use technology developed by gamers to remove from the gardener’s vision all weeds,  old woodpiles, fences, hoses, rundown garden sheds, debris, dead and dying plants, and most other eyesores. Greatly enhances any garden experience. A Deluxe version removes from view all bad design decisions. A Super Deluxe edition removes the gardener’s ability to see things they might find disturbing, such as imminently hazardous trees, dangerous wild animals, and those loathsome nudist neighbors. Visit our website to view a video of some random garden influencer walking through, but not seeing, their ugly garden while wearing the Always Perfect Garden Cyber Goggles while filming themselves using a selfie stick. Extremely annoying. Their chatty banter describing the pure and unbroken beauty they are seeing adds even more irritation. A second video features another random garden influencer (in undesireable closeup) talking about how much they love their Always Perfect Garden Cyber Goggles while sitting in a car for some reason. 

RSB CyberProduct Industries. $200/$350/$1,425. Sizes: S and XXXL. Colors: Black, Blue, Green, and Periwinkle. Rechargeable batteries use obsolete USB type micro to USB Type B charging cables. RSB CyberProduct Industries is not liable for any accidents, injuries, or plunging into wells that may be experienced while wearing the Always Perfect Garden Cyber Goggles.

 Deer and Rabbit Death Ray: Derived from a Soviet naval weapons system, this is exactly the type of pest control gardeners have longed for! Any time a deer or rabbit is detected by motion, the weapons module thrusts out of its underground silo and instantly annihilates the animal by means of a powerful laser. Just as quickly, the laser mount disappears back underground. No mess. No body. Shortly after the dazzling flash of light, it emits the sound of loud thunder, thus arousing no suspicion from the neighbors or authorities. 

RSB C-Corp. $120,999 if purchased today. Frequent upgrades and regular cost overruns cause large price increases on a routine basis. Installation and service not included. RSB C-Corp is not liable for anything this equipment might cause, including arrest and conviction. Not for gardeners with children under 13, or for elderly gardeners suffering or suspected of suffering dementia. Private property signage highly recommended.

The Lost Tool Saver and Detector: Always losing tools? The Lost Tool Saver and Detector headband will deliver an 80-volt shock to any gardener who carelessly fails to properly put their tools away. Will teach a person a hard lesson, yes, but, wait, there’s more! The Lost Tool Saver and Detector shoulder attachment will also feed the gardener a treat when they store their tools in the right location. And, yet, there’s still more! If the gardener still manages to lose a tool, the Lost Tool Saver and Detector Sniffer Robot will track it down by using the gardener’s own scent. More sensitive than a bloodhound! Requires at least one three-hour session where the robot sniffs all parts of the gardener’s body.

RSB Robotics, Japan. $250. Not for use in wet weather or for gardeners with  peanut allergies. Not recommended for exceptionally modest gardeners or those suffering body image issues.

Payment plans are available, so please visit the RSB Enterprises International website and make your favorite gardener a very happy person on Christmas Day!