This topic may be a sensitive one for many readers.
As a relatively recently bereaved gardener, I can’t help ruminating on why it has to be so difficult to plant or even lay flowers, shrubs or trees at or on the resting places of our loved ones. Surely this is one of the most meaningful, practical and universal applications of the gardening impulse known to humankind.
Can it be that those in charge of cemeteries are so concerned with the convenience and right-of-way of their mowers and weed-whackers that they cannot permit, much less encourage, memorial plants or floral tributes as a rule? Cemeteries seem to have so many arcane, draconian, unclear or unequally applied policies governing “foreign” plant matter brought in by family and visitors.
Do they try to understand that it is way beyond rude and frustrating to have a harmless flowerpot removed from a gravesite after a scant week – just because they have scheduled a “sweep?” Have they no compassion for the grieving, or horticultural sympathy in their souls?
It is nice to know that there are cemeteries where grave gardening is actually encouraged, such as The Woodlands in my home town of Philadelphia. But as their “clientele” is mostly from prior centuries, the plot-tenders are not necessarily acquainted with those they honor.
When it comes time to decorate the resting place of our own flesh and blood, perhaps we approach it differently. Perhaps we take great care and place great meaning onto the plantings we are denied; and take commensurate umbrage when we are reduced to placing fake flowers at the headstone of a great plantswoman who would hate the very thought of such sacrilege.
At the cemetery where my mother is buried, I am taking some solace in the gorgeous manifestations of magnolia blossom currently adorning the grounds (as seen above) and blanketing the often bare, raw earth with rosy petals. At least for a few days out of the year she will have a real floral tribute that is more fitting than the cemetery’s rule book ordinarily allows.
One hopes that green burials and human composting will become more than niche alternatives to common burial practices. Both of these honor the web of life that gardeners know intimately, foster and honor. Often incorporating the planting of commemorative trees or shrubs, green burial sites can become groves of contemplation providing beauty,solace and habitat for other species. And human composting allows us, at the most fundamental level, to live again, and give life again, as we return to soil.
Yes indeed, thank you for that observation. Other species do seem to frequent our existing cemeteries. The fox in particular likes to leave “tributes,” I have noticed.
I am sorry for the loss of your mother.
I commune with mine and my other deceased relatives when I tend their graves. Which is not a common practice anymore.
Is this a government owned and maintained cemetery or a private church cemetery? That makes a difference. In the state I live in townships are responsible for cemeteries. Rural townships have to spend their limited taxpayers money wisely. They pay someone to mow and blow the cemetery(s) and who also does road maintenance Potholes and drainage ditches have priority.
Do you have any family members or friends that do physical labor for a government entity? They could tell you why they have the rules they do, and what being a cemetery worker entails.
I know because our son worked a summer job for the city cemetery. He mowed around his own grave. Not really, his great great grandfather’s. He thought it was cool.
Thank you, this happens to be a Catholic Diocese cemetery. Being a cemetery worker entails many things, I am sure. But surely not leaving sinkholes and tire marks over the graves.
Yes I agree!
I’ve made arrangements for a green burial. It seems to be the perfect thing to do.
Yes, thank you, my mother had a green burial as well.
I’ve noticed that the various cemeteries in our area aren’t super uniform or tidy. But many of them have been in continuous use for over 200 years, so the idea of uniformity is pretty unreasonable. I wonder if the willingness of a community to tolerate a little untidiness, in exchange for a little personal expression, is carried over into life among the living.
Indeed! Or even allowing the tidy, well-tended personal expression instead of banning it outright. Thanks for the thought.
I appreciate your words. And am sorry for your loss. My mother rests in an historic cemetery in our historic town. We are given 12 inches in front of the tombstone to plant. I place a Celtic grave blanket of evergreens there at Christmas, and her favorite geraniums in the Spring. It is a ritual that brings me great comfort over the 22 years since she passed. Though I note I seem to be the only one doing this.
Your ritual is bringing me great vicarious comfort, thank you. I would dearly love to have 12 inches of planting space! And the evergreens and meaningful geraniums are a lovely seasonal transition.
Might you donate a tree in memorial
Not to plant at the gravesite, unfortunately. It would be nice to have that option.
I understand the frustration and grief. But on the other hand, it could be that the cemetery management fears what would happen in terms of maintenance if everyone left pots on the graves. And I can understand that, too. One thing that CAN be done, and no one would think anything of, is– plant early, low things like crocus, snowdrops, white violets, eranthis, in the earth over the grave, not in pots; these generally (at least here in MD) bloom before they mow, and often go down totally before they mow. Or the last comment, “”donate a tree in memorial” is a good one, too.
The older cemetery here in Manhattan Kansas has lots of planted roses and peonies on graves as old as the 1870’s. Delightful in late spring!
I am envious! A combination of RRD and dudes on lawnmowers have taken out nearly all the old roses in our local cemeteries. Last year I was visiting all kinds of local cemeteries in hopes of finding old roses, but even on Rose Hill up north of Maryville (Missouri, not Marysville KS) had no roses, though it did have a lot of peonies. I did find some in the cemetery here in town that I’m propagating, and then two at my home cemetery in Amazonia that were hiding in a clump of daylilies. I tell you, the pickings are mighty slim.
P.S. I love your blog. It’s such a good source of information. I wanted to stop by the KSU rose garden a year or two ago when I was in Manhattan but we didn’t have enough time.
My parents were cremated, and their urns buried under a tree in a native forest. They had picked the tree themselves shortly before their death. My parents loved nature, and forest-walking, so it’s the perfect burial site for them. People love to walk through this “memorial forest,” it’s such a peaceful place. To keep the natural appearance of that centuries old forest, one is not allowed to leave even the tiniest piece of flower, or wreath, or whatever.
Instead, to commemorate my parents, I planted two camelias in my garden. From their strategic position, they can overlook the garden all year-round. It’s a lovely reminder of all the work my parents did when we started this garden a decade ago. And it’s a great comfort to know “my parents” so close to me…
What a beautifully-written essay – I am so sorry for your loss, Barbara. Being a fellow Catholic, I understand the frustration over certain “rules.” Since you are not allowed to plant or leat the gravesite or to leave a pot, perhaps you could consider dedicating a small area elsewhere to her – this could be on your own property. Name it in her honor. Plant things both of you like. And let this be the way you commune with her spirit.