Shut Up and Dig

Just the facts

Everything will be as perfect as this Abraham Darby bloom.

Everything will be as perfect as this Abraham Darby bloom.

Alternative facts, that is. If there is any group of people that has learned to accept unpleasant realities—often brought on by natural forces—that group is gardeners. So I’m happy to know that I can devise, twist, and present my own version of gardening facts. Now is the time, before the spring season begins. I am pleased to announce that, as of 2017, these are the facts that will be governing the progress of my garden throughout the year:

• All the bulbs that I planted will bloom: 100%. No animal depredations, none not planted deep enough for survival, no duds. They’ll look amazing. Everyone will agree.

• Despite the deep shade thrown by 3 Norway maples in the easeway, there’s no reason why I shouldn’t plant luxuriant stands of sun-loving perennials like delphinium, daisies, coreopsis, salvia, and rudbeckia. It will be beautiful.

• I reject the very idea of weeds. They will not be allowed.

• Whatever rainfall we get will be perfect. Not even going to set up the hoses, because I know we’ll have enough.

• My roses will be tremendous this year. Instead of a flush in June and sporadic blooms after that, they’ll be covered in flowers all season long. Because I say so.

• Deadheading and pruning? Boring. Let the losers waste their time on it.

Yeah, I know. But, to be honest, many of us (including me) do start the gardening year hoping against all wisdom and all experience that, somehow, this time the garden will be perfect and that all the design flaws, infestations, plant failures, and human errors that plagued it every other year will somehow not obtain. This time. I guess we all have our alternative facts (but at least we know they’re silly).

Posted by on January 24, 2017 at 9:02 am, in the category Shut Up and Dig.
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15 responses to “Just the facts”

  1. Karen says:

    I honestly don’t know what you are trying to say here. I have been gardening for over 35 years and so yes for close to 40 years I have believed without a shadow of a doubt that this upcoming gardening season will be different. You could call it optimism or you could call me obtuse. The worst thing is that at my advanced age I am considering moving to a bigger property because obviously that would solve all my problems. Brainwashed by the media? You betcha. I totally buy into all those British gardening shows on Youtube.

  2. D. O'Donnell says:

    Just saw these after reading Elizabeth’s new post today. Brava to all; as I’ve learned to say almost daily since Nov. 8th, Humor Will Save Us.
    We are not children and not ostriches.

    Speak up, clever Elizabeth and know that you are — Yugely, Bigly — appreciated.
    These comments are great. Thank you all for being out there.

  3. Eliz says:

    Actually, no. Politics have a way of intruding into all aspects of everyday life. Maybe because, I dunno, laws? Policies? Regulations?

  4. Greg Draiss says:

    Seriously?
    Can’t keep politics out of gardening?

    The TROLL

  5. Andrea says:

    Good luck to your goal. Hope you will have lovely flowers.

  6. Elisabeth Holder says:

    Have you counted out how many blooms you have? There had better be more than anyone else’s; there had better be plenty of red ones. And I agree with Kermit, you’d better have the photos to prove it.

    By the way, don’t allow any volunteers or transplants from your neighbors’ gardens. These are bound to be nefarious. (In fact don’t meet with your neighbor over the back fence — he’s probably nefarious, too)

    From now on, you’ll have to plant only native plants unless you want to pay the 20% tarriff on non-natives. And in case you think of working around that one, there will be an increase in personnel to inspect all gardens and round up any plants that don’t belong.

    As for the rules on vegetables….

  7. Heidi says:

    Made my day! Plus the comments are great too!

  8. You’ve got a solid beginning list. To that I’d like to add that you need to build a really big wall, the biggest and the best that anyone has ever seen, between you and any deer. And your neighbor will pay for it.

  9. Joan Morris says:

    Good post!

  10. Lol. Thank you for your comment and Elizabeth for the post!

  11. kermit says:

    Laura M, don’t forget to make the neighbors pay for the wall!

    If you see pictures of my garden and they look sparse, it’s because my gardening competitors have doctored the photos – even if you’re the ones who took them.

    I’ll have so many blooms that it’ll make your head spin. You’ll get sick of them.

    And of course it takes a man to grow a garden – who ever heard of a woman that could – oh, hi, Hon I was just …ow! Sorry, gotta run!

  12. Laura says:

    Lol, Laura. Great comment to a great post. We all need a healthy dose of humour to get through these times.

  13. Laura Munoz says:

    But you need to build a wall, a tall one to keep your nosy neighbors out. They could steal your bulbs. They could start their own garden inside your garden. They could cut down your roses and plant tomatoes. For goodness sake, build a wall!

    And the fact is Monsanto, Miracle Gro, and Scott’s Weed and Feed need to manage your garden because honestly, you really aren’t smart enough to do it without their help. (I mean, after all, do YOU have a research department and millions of dollars to back your knowledge?) These are corporations that know so much more than most home/homely gardeners. Let them take charge. Get rid of that ugly compost pile! Get modern! Go chemical! Go GMO! Go!

    Okay, and finally, you are a woman…Seriously, what do you know? You don’t count when it comes to your salary, your body, or your brains. Just stand around and keep your cat in the garden in case someone wants to grab it.

  14. Judith says:

    Thank you !