Guest Rants, Taking Your Gardening Dollar

Garden in a gun

flowershell

While some conspiracy theorists believe that shadow organizations such as the Illuminati or the New World Order or the American military-industrial complex are heck-bent on taking over our lives, ProfessorRoush has long suspected that marketing groups are the real shadow organizations that will bring about the downfall of civilization.  After all, they’ve already convinced us to buy bottled tap water at prices exceeding that of our dwindling oil supplies.

As further evidence of my theory, I learned today that an Indiegogo campaign has formed to convince willing fools such as myself to part with money for the promise that a prairie garden can be created by haphazardly firing shotgun shells packed with flower seed into a field.  Several hours ago, if you asked me what I thought “shotgun gardening” was, I’d have envisioned a haphazard assemblage of shrubs, flowers, grasses, and plants stuffed hither and yon into the landscape without a specific plan.  I certainly wouldn’t have expected that it meant that I could step out on my back porch and, true to VP Joe Biden’s recent suggestion, “fire off a couple of rounds” and create a garden.

Indiegogo, for the unenlightened, is a site that lets anyone use its “powerful social media tools” to create campaigns for raising money (or, if you prefer, suckers to fleece).  The Shotgun Garden Indiegogo campaign is run from www.flowershell.com, where you can purchase twelve-gauge shotgun shells loaded with twelve different kinds of seeds including peony, poppy, cornflower, daisy and sunflower seeds.

I have a plethora of experience strewing countless “meadows-in-a-can” around my environment without altering the forb/grass ratio of the native prairie to any appreciable degree, so I’m somewhat skeptical that a few shotgun shells full of flower seed will improve the outcome.  And these are live shells, dangerous in their own right.  What if I mistook Flowershells for rock salt while chasing off the pack of teenage boys who constantly circle my daughter?  ”You’re no daisy” might not work anymore as a nineteenth century throwback insult for those boys.  I certainly can’t risk the chance of contributing to their delinquency if their backsides each sprouted a personal poppy field.

No, Indiegogo’s efforts are wasted on me because I’m certainly not going to waste my hard-won cash on Flowershells, despite how interesting and tempting they might seem to a bored gardener in winter.  My gardening money is going to have to be wasted the old-fashioned way, attempting to grow meadows from a can.

Posted by on December 23, 2013 at 7:48 am, in the category Guest Rants, Taking Your Gardening Dollar.
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15 Responses to “Garden in a gun”

  1. Susan says:

    I think I’m with you, Professor. I smell, if not outright fleecing, a distinct air of “I’m too lazy to work hard and put in the time to succeed on my own” every time someone mentions Indiegogo. Of course, perhaps the genius who came up with this idea thinks that, since America loves its guns so damn much, it simply can’t miss (pun intended).

  2. Tibs says:

    Ooh I can’t wait to share this with all the gun people I work with. Wonder how this would work at their target range?

  3. kermit says:

    Actually, James, when I first moved into this little suburban lot, we had already expected to replace the yard with a garden. The first year I flipped the sod upside down and covered it with compost for about 10 by 30 feet. I had the energy (ah, to be 50 again!) but not the time or money that first spring. I filled it in with a narrow path and a good portion of one of those meadows in a can. Looked nice, and the resulting flowers weren’t too invasive later.

    I don’t know how the neighbors would have taken to my using a 12 gauge planting tool. Who will be the first to use “gardening” as a defense against a charge of discharging firearms within city limits? (Hint: not I!)

  4. emily says:

    I admit I don’t know much about firearms and do my best to avoid them. But I couldn’t help wondering if the explosion would cook the seeds….

  5. Susan says:

    Kermit, kudos to you for some outstanding puns! And I just happened to think that it could make for some very interesting news stories if someone tried doing this in their front yard. When the “yard police” got after them to remove the weeds that were such an eyesore, they could brandish their planting tool and say “make me”!

  6. Sandra Knauf says:

    The stupidest thing I’ve seen in a long time (and that’s saying a lot!).

  7. Debra says:

    The few gun nuts who like to garden should love this. All I can say is simply amazing.

  8. [...] Up and Dig,”  there’s a lot of blabbing by multiple authors. Perhaps the posting on shotgun gardening will provide a representative [...]

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